If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
