If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
