So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just puked most of my soul out..
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