Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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