you mean i was at the winter classic?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
