Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you had me at cake vodka
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
how does that bad decision feel?
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