I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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