I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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