My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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