I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
