I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
