final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
