It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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