there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
