I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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