you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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