it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
