we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
