Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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