i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
