Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
