Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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