Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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