I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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