I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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