just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
