Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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