she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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