please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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