You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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