so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I wear drunk well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
