After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
