Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
