Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Randomize
