ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize