Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
