Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like death gave me a hand job
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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