oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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