What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
