is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Every concussion has its silver lining
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
