This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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