I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
