he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize