Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
