She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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