On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
