You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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