I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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