Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
