with your own penis?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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