so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
