I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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