Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
