I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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