someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
my poor anus
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Bring me that man meat
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
